First Barcelona, next, SWANSEA – where Pep could end up next season.
Alas, the king is dead. Well he’s not dead, but he’s certainly not going to be hanging around for much longer. Indeed, the world mourns as Barcelona officially enter a full blown Sky Sports News “CLUB IN CRISIS” [insert FC Barcelona crest here with crumbled in half), as they are officially crap and officially are not the greatest team ever and officially are going to be relegated next season without fail. And who can deny this fact? They’ve lost three games in a row now. Three games, and if Jose Mourinho’s Real Madrid are better than you, then what’s the point in even trying. But, the added spice to the tabloid drama-o-meter has been the announcement that Pep Guardiola will not be managing FC Weren’t-ever-that-good-anyway after this season. Sure, he says he wants to have a break from football, but we all know how easily tempted them pesky footballers are! So what if one of these clubs comes along and offers Pep an alternative way back into the game…
Pep Guardiola: Swansea manager
Pep knows what he likes, and he likes what he knows – much like a Yorkshire farmer. So I don’t think he’ll be able to resist the club who are only three degrees of separation away from being the actual Barcelona. Swansea of course, are the Welsh Arsenal, shown by their lovely pretty nice fluffy football with lots of lovely passing which makes Tony Pulis want to pour a vat of acid over his face, and their propensity to “take their foot off the gas” in true cliché terms at the end of the season. And of course Arsenal, are the English Barcelona – involved in such entertaining word combos as Arselona, and Barcenal. So there you have it! Swansea City are the same as Barcelona – proved. So when Brendan Rogers get coaxed over to London with some big dollar signs in his eyes and promises of a big payout upon his sacking in 6 months times (to fund his spiraling career and make his regrets of moving to Chelsea a little bit easier to deal with), someone needs to take charge at [looks up name of Swansea stadium] the Liberty Stadium. And when [looks up name of Swansea chairman] Huw Jenkins comes along offering Pep pretty football, low expectations and at least a hectare of farmland, he definitely couldn’t say no to that. But one thing we know Pep also loves, is a nice challenge; another way that Swansea fits the bill. Chock full of “big names” with “big personalities” how will Pep control the wild Danny Graham and keep Leroy Lita on the straight and narrow? I certainly don’t know, but I guess we’ll just have to wait for next season…
Pep Guardiola: Shanghai Shenhua manager
As you can tell by just seeing him on the touchline; Pep oozes style. Bossing the new-age suave Armani (probably) jacket and the Kashmir jumper, Pep has been part of the revolution from the Owen Coyle year-round shorts endorsed style to the sexy, lets-get-more-women-watching-football style. So, as you can imagine, Pep likes to keep up with the trends. And in football terms, this is to take the advice from the Sharwood’s advert and “Go East” for footballing and bank balance enlightenment. All the cool kids are doing it! Raul, Fabio Cannavaro, Nicholas Anelka, so if he wants to fit in with the rest of the people who are about his age, then he better cut this “so last-year” European lark and go and get his Asian on! Just imagine – Pep and new Shenhua assistant manager Nicholas Anelka standing side-by-side on the touchline directing such legends as Joel Griffiths (formerly of the Newcastle Jets) and Mario Bozic (formerly of Slovan Bratislava) as they meander past as concerning ease past the rest of the Chinese top-flight clubs. A very sexy management introducing sexy football whilst shoveling hefty quantities of sexy oriental noodles into his gob as his fitness takes a turn for the worse, to create a mind-bogglingly sexy partnership. Sexy.
Pep Guardiola: Montreal Impact manager
Like a stay-at-home Dad who’s not too fond of the cleaning, Pep absolutely loves a new project. Sure, he may not really enjoy building tree houses for his kids or making a barbecue out of fly-tipped building materials, but when it comes to a whole, brand spanking new club for him to take charge of and mould into his own personal style so they end up naming the stadium after him. And that’s exactly what Montreal Impact (or “The Impact” as cringy U.S. television pundits may refer to them as) are, as they set-up a whole new “franchise” for the next season of the MLS, with fresh new players who also want to stick their fingers in the cake mixture that is The Impact. And its not going to be just a load of comedy American names such as “Keith Schlaudraffburger” and “Kingston Pomegranate” – there’s a whole bunch of players which most of Europe couldn’t give a toss about representing them next year, with average sized names Nelson Rivas and Bernardo Corradi helping to “boost the league’s reputation”, those selfless bastards.
By Sam Crocker (follow me on Twitter @sb_crocker)